Stop Asking “Are You Ok?”

...... and other empty performances we need to retire.

We’ve been socially hijacked. Programmed.

Somewhere along the line, “Are you ok?” stopped being a real question and became a password to exit the moment.

We don’t ask because we truly want the truth — we ask so we can check off our “good person” box without having to do the work of being one.

And the person we’re asking?

They’ve been programmed too.

Their mouth says “I’m fine” before their brain even checks in with their body.

That’s not empathy. That’s theater.

I don’t remember the last time I asked someone if they were ok.

I watch instead.

I see instead.

When a woman face-planted in the street, I didn’t waste time asking.

I picked her up.

Helped her to the sidewalk.

She had a man with her.

I didn’t ask “Are you ok?” — it was obvious she wasn’t.

I asked, “Are you going to be ok?” Meaning: I can go, but I’m ready to stay if you need me.

When my sister was a toddler, she nearly tore off her elbow.

I didn’t panic.

I grounded myself, side-eyed her, waited.

She didn’t cry.

She saw the blood, found something to wrap it, carried on.

I was too proud to interrupt her victory.

Real care doesn’t ask.

Real care notices.

Real care acts.

And “Are you ok?” isn’t the only performance we need to kill off.

There’s the “Just Checking In” Drive-By — the text or DM after months of silence, with zero follow-up questions after you reply.

Translation: I wanted to appear caring without committing to an actual conversation.

Real check-ins require time, not just Wi-Fi.

There’s the “You Look Great!” Deflection — tossing a compliment to avoid engaging with the tired eyes, the weight loss, the limp, or the sadness in someone’s voice.

Translation: I’ll steer us to safe waters so I don’t have to risk getting wet.

Compliments are cheap when they’re used as shields.

There’s the “Let Me Know If You Need Help” Vanish — offered in the moment, never meant to be cashed in.

Translation: I hope you never call my bluff.

There’s “Thoughts and prayers.” Translation: My schedule’s full.

There’s “We should hang out sometime.” Translation: We won’t.

And my personal favorite — the “I’m listening” nod while you’re already crafting your response.

We’ve created a culture where sincerity has to fight for airtime against convenience.

Where showing up is replaced by the appearance of showing up.

Where the ritual matters more than the reality.

If you want to know if someone’s ok,

stop asking.

Start seeing.

And if you see they’re not ok,

do something — or be honest enough to admit you won’t.

The performance costs nothing.

The presence will cost you something.

That’s why it matters.

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