We have skincare routines, video doorbells, and entire apps for avoiding human contact…

and yet — we still give each other hickies.

Yes. Bruises.

With our mouths.

But why?

Why do otherwise rational people suction each other’s necks like emotionally charged vacuum cleaners?

Why, in the golden age of communication, do we still leave purple-brown souvenirs of desire in highly visible, extremely inconvenient places?

Let’s investigate.

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🕵🏾‍♀️ Theory 1: The “I Was Here” Badge

This is the human equivalent of licking a doughnut so no one else eats it.

It’s not subtle. It’s not even hygienic.

But it gets the message across: “I did this. It was intense. Good luck with your scarf budget.”

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😮‍💨 Theory 2: Your Sounds Are the Real MVP

You make one little noise — a moan, a breathy gasp, maybe a whisper of “don’t stop” —

and they immediately respond with

Apparently, your body became a motivational speaker mid-makeout.

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🧃 Theory 3: The Juice Box Effect

Some people just… don’t know how to stop.

They don’t kiss — they latch.

You went in for soft affection.

They went in like they were trying to extract nectar from your soul.

This isn’t passion.

This is oral overcommitment.

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🐾 Theory 4: Cute Little Bite-Sized Possession

It’s not possessiveness exactly…

Just a polite, slightly primal way of saying: “Mine.”

Like a gentle growl. But in love language.

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🤡 Theory 5: Chaos. Just… Chaos.

No one plans to walk around looking like they lost a battle with a vampire in heat.

But passion is messy.

Hormones are dumb.

And sometimes, someone’s lower brainstem whispers:

And that’s how you end up Googling “how long do hickies last” at 2:17am

with a cold spoon pressed to your neck

and a hoodie zipped to your ears.

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🩸 Final Conclusion:

A hickey is a collaboration between:

One person’s enthusiastic mouth

Another person’s unsuspecting blood vessels

And a temporary loss of self-control

Is it necessary? No.

Is it mature? Also no.

Do we keep doing it?

Because humans are soft animals

with bitey tendencies

and a desperate need to be remembered

in purplish ovals.